Saturday, July 30, 2011

Women say one thing, but mean another

This probably sounds really cliche, but it's so damn true. Even as a woman, I can truly admit that at times I say one thing but mean another. For example, I tell my parents how smart they are all the time, when in fact we all know they are idiots. Whenever my lover talks to another girl, I reassure him that I'm not jealous, but I'm actually boiling inside. This whole cliche is understandable, it keeps everyone happy and lowers the level of drama in the house, but is it really acceptable when it comes picking the perfect man.

From the day we all graduated from school and enter the real world, we created a recipe of what we want in a man. A lot of my girlfriends all have the same ingredients (tall, handsome, charming, career-driven, rich, smart, sensitive, understanding, and funny) to create the perfect batch of cupcakes. Unfortunately, they all end up with everything opposite of what they wanted: short, ugly, disgusting, career that makes a dollar a day, stupid, mean, oblivious, and boring. I don't know whether to feel happy or lied to so I took the initiative to ask some of my girlfriends, "why go for something that is not your cup of tea?"

The usual response is: "I can't find Mr. right, so might as well get whatever I can get." I felt sympathetic for them, juggling career, life, and trying to find the perfect man isn't an easy thing to do. I often wonder why it's so hard for them to find the qualities that they were looking for in the beginning, practically all my male friends have these qualities that are way better than the guys my friends were dating. This weird concept of settling plaques me because I don't believe in settling. I believe in "true love," and I know it shouldn't be that hard to find. Since this is only a one-sided story I decided to get some perspective from the other side.

I asked a couple of Mr. Rights and Mr. Perfect aka: "the proper ingredients," as to what they want in a girl. They all have the similar requirements: she must be cute and nice. There are other requirements, but cute and nice are the most sought after. I was like "you got to be kidding me, those type of girls are all around you," then again they're not. Apparently, these guys have made the initiative to talk to those girls with the written recipes, but were sadly rejected from the cupcake batch. I find it strange that Mr. Right and Mr. Perfect could be so harshly rejected whereas Mr. ugly and Mr. disgusting were promptly accepted. This really doesn't make sense, all this time I thought women wanted prince charming.

Does anyone out there wanna comment on this problem. As of now, I do not sympathize with any ladies out there claiming that they can't find Prince Charming, bull shiet

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Is Wine Tasting for the Birds??

As a former bartender, I have to admit, there are times I wonder why people love alcohol so much. Aside from the fact that it looks colorful and sparkly, but alcohol taste bitter and acidic. It makes you feel crappy the next day, aka: hang over and vulnerable during a good buzz. And don't get me started about wine, I see rich folks crowding in Napa valley sipping their sauvignon cabernet or blancs, swirling their drink clockwise, and capturing every aroma that escape through the air. I did the exact same thing to every wine that they presented me and they all taste and smell the same. How in the world do these folks come up with these abstract description for each wine they tasted. Wine is so bitter to the point where I have to mix a good amount of my own saliva to block out the bitter taste.

I always hear these pretentious folks blabbering about how wine is an acquired taste. "Bull shiet!!" even I make the same arrogant comment to make myself appear well-informed and dignified, when in fact I want to puke. I know what the real purpose of wine tasting is for and I'm not afraid to blurt it out. Rich folks use wine tasting as an event to get to know other rich folks. I guess this could be advantageous, wine tasting allows you to start a conversation and slowly lead to somewhere profitable. The thing that confuses me the most are folks my age. I see people in their twenties pretending to be "high class" or well-informed about the drinking scene. Why do they need to be ostentatious, I can clearly see their Rolex and Louie V is fake as hell. There is no way any rich business officials would do business with them with or without the knowledge of wine. I guess that is also advantageous, it help boost young individual's confident about their lack of everything in life.

So here I am, the person who use to mix alcohol, served the wine, and provides the best bull shiet introduction to each exquisite drink, is still wondering the meaning behind alcohol. I'm going to flat out admit this: I don't know anything about wine, drinks, cocktails, etc I just memorized what they want me to say or do, so I sound legit, that is how I got paid. How in the world can one truly appreciate alcohol, when it taste so strange and bitter? I realize that for me, wine is truly appreciated when food is present. If you take a bite out of some lamb chops and gulp down some red wine, it takes the flavor to another level. For some strange reason, red wine goes extremely well with red meat. It accentuates the flavor of the meat and loses it's bitterness at the same time.

White wine brings out the flavor in lobsters, shrimp, and fish. I guess in some ways I do appreciate wine, but that's only if the right food is present. So the main question is, "is wine tasting for the birds?" I would not say anything about birds, but I think wine tasting is for someone with a motive. My motive is to find the wine that can bring out the flavor in whatever I'm munching on :), what is yours?

Saturday, July 16, 2011

How Poop and Fart saved my life

Holy cow I haven't blogged in a awhile. Gosh, I feel bad, I blame my asian parents, they been driving me crazy with their stupidity and neediness. I wonder how I would ever survive my household without my friends there to cheer me up. Life is depressing, if your life is anything like mine, you will notice that your own family is your Achilles heels. They say the craziest and meanest things that gets deep into your heart and slowly eats away your soul. Those are your parents, so you can't do anything about it. they gave you life and they are trying to take it away without going to jail. This is exactly why you see so many suicidal kids, parents are doing a good job killing them legally. If you are one of those unfortunate individuals with a messed up household, you might be asking yourself, "how can I come out without any psychological damage?" It's very simple and the only topic that will keep you from slitting your wrist, is none other than POOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Poo is such an awsome topic, it fills my day with joy when my friends took a big dump in the toilet, but can't flush it all the way down. It makes me forget the stressful part of my life, knowing that my friends are anxiously flushing that toilet a billion times hoping for that lucky flush to push the little bastard through the hole. Little did they know that by flushing it so many times will only make it worse. I get even more excited when I hear them frantically plunging the toilet with water splashing everywhere. Then they catch a sigh of relief when the water went all the way down, so they flush it again, and to no avail, Mr hankee surf the wave towards the top. As I listen for their reaction, all my worries and life's mishaps flew away and I find myself in pure joy and ecstasy. I would hear clutters and clashes from my worrisome friend in search of the holy grail known as strong perfume or febreeze. Then after the arduous search, and the strong spray, I hid behind the walls and watch as they exit the bathroom, looking left to right as if they were crossing a busy intersection.

The only problem is I can't always enjoy the excitement of a clogged toilet, my depression will only return after my parents open their mouth. How do I survive their insane verbal and psychological abuse? Well it's simple, every time they open their god awful mouth with a slight grin for evilness, I just lift up my ass, and fart across the room. My parents would gag and laugh, and the best part is, they forget what they were gonna say. I was also crowned the queen of gas and the queen of breaking their toilets :)

If it weren't for poop and farts, I would have died a long time ago. Verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse can really destroy everything that makes you an individual. I have experience abuse from parents, teachers, students, and even strangers, but after all that, it feels so good to come home to a good fart. And of course awsome group of friends and the love of my life "you know who you are ;) "

BTW: This post is not meant to make anyone worry to the point of calling social service, I'm already an adult so they probably wouldn't do shiet hahha. This post is to encourage teens out there that suicide is not the answer. There are methods out there that can help mitigate the awful parenting situation at home, and this happens to be one of them. Remember if you ever feel like a dark cloud of negativity around you, just look for a way to laugh and be happy :)

Monday, July 4, 2011

APRS is a Powerful, Contagious Disease That must be Stopped

Let me tell you about this horrible disease my parents have. This disease is so incurable, it makes cancer look like a flu. You can have one of the best doctors and scientist from Harvard, Yale, Stanford in a lab, and I can still guarantee you that they will never discover a cure. I know scientist have spend many hours researching, manipulating, and splicing complex genes to find the critical source of this disease, but there's no hope. It's been so many years, and no one has found the cure, and it's spreading at the speed of light. This horrendous disease that plague all our love ones is none other than the Asian Parents Retarded Syndrome (APRS), it's extremely contagious, it leaves your parents needy, annoying, and stupid.

You don't believe me, well I'm happy to show you some dumbass conversations.

My dad, the Fashion Guru

Dad bought me this purse that looks like light vomit/diarrhea. I kindly accepted the gift and compliment it to make him happy :)

dad: Hey Hilda I got you this expensive $200 bag

me: oh thanks, it looks really nice, you are very good at picking fashionable things

mom: Hilda, don't lie to your dad, you know it looks like a bag that a blind 78 year old woman would carry around her arm

me (whispers to mom): I know, I don't want to hurt his feelings

dad: You know what, I'm a fashion expert, I know what looks good and not, and frankly Hilda, I don't like what you are wearing. I don't like your boots, your shorts, and your shirt, it's not good enough. If you listen to me, you will be beautiful.

My parents know how to be generous and get what they want

We were at 99 ranch store, an Asian supermarket filled with asians :)

Mom: hey Hilda do you like this rice cooker

me: huh, I don't know, it's $50

Mom: Yea but do you like it

me: I don't know, I guess

Mom: Then I'm going to buy it

dad: why are you buying a $50 rice cooker?

mom: Hilda wants it really really bad. We should buy whatever our kids want because it shows we are good parents.

dad: Hey umm Hilda what do you think about this box of mangos

me: it's $30

dad: do you like it

me: I don't know, I guess

dad: then we are buying it. See we are wonderful parents, we buy whatever our kid want.

APRS spread to another parent
another parent: Hey Hilda I was wondering if you want to go watch the fireworks with me in the park

me: umm I'm kind of tired, no thank you

another parent: look it's really beautiful firework

mom: Oh wow, we should really go

another parents: I know because Hilda wants to go really bad. Yea that's it, Hilda we are only going to the park to see fireworks because you really wanted to go

me: ummm, I don't remember saying that

mom: i agree, let's go because Hilda wants to

me: hold up, if you guys want to go see fireworks, then you should go regardless of what I think.

another parents: oh you mistaken, I don't care for fireworks, I see it all the time

mom: exactly, fireworks are very common, we want to go because you want to witness it

me: I did?? why am I not aware of it

Dressing conservatively

mom: I really wish you wear less clothes

me: I don't think it's a good idea

mom: why

me: I'm just being respectful, I don't want to wear tight skimpy clothes in front of the family

mom: why not

me: it's a sign of disrespect for the asian community. Wouldn't you think it would be a dishonor to get molested by your own family member

mom: I guess, but I think it be a good idea for you to wear less clothes in front of family, and more clothes in front of your own boyfriend and friends.

me: hell no, i will be a social outcast

mom: your friends are more likely to rape you, ya know

me: yea I'm sure that is in Megan and Laura's "to do" list

mom: but sexy clothes in front of family shows your are beautiful

me: and ready to fuck right :)

mom: why is everythng about sex for you

me: "smiles," just know that I love and respect you mom, even though you make it hard for

me to do so sometimes

The Gardener kills dogs

me: I notice the gardener is here more often, does he have time for our neighbor?

mom: oh we forgot to tell you, he put some weird chemicals in their garden, and it killed their

dog. They said something about law suit or whatever, but he's not working for them anymore

me: aren't you guys concern that he could kill our dog

dad: nah, nobody can kill tux, he's indestructible. The good part is, the gardener can spend more time on our garden, isn't that great.

me: hmmm, you're not the least bit concern about what happened to the neighbor's dog

dad: nope, tux is glued to you 24/7, it wouldn't be a problem

me: not if tux goes poo

mom: I'm sure he will be fine, you know how overly zealous our neighbors are about their pets, a dead dog equals to a law suit, people these days take things too seriously.

me: You notice how practically all our neighbors own dogs and they don't use this particular gardener that we use. Does that by any chance mean anything to you guys??

dad: dude, did you see our neighbor's german shepherd, they look so cool

By the way

Friday, July 1, 2011

Go Gaga for Fashion

Lady gaga's fashion sense takes bizarre to another level. Her outfits are mind blowing and addicting at the same time. I wonder how in the world she came up with all these designs. It takes a certain personality and an acquired taste to truly appreciate her fashion style. I find her style to be the reflection of the future and the fascination for the mystical world. It really goes beyond the imagination, it's the craziness that we hid deep within our consciousness and hope that no one find it. Then comes gaga who unwittingly whips it out, and leaves us stunned and breathless at the same time.

I dare you readers out there to wear this in public, I'm sure only gaga is brave enough to do that. I heard of the bubble boy, but bubbles and gagas, it really works. Hmm, I wonder what materials she use to make all these bubbles. They look like clear blown-up plastics stuck tightly to her brownish tank top. In order to make the outfit look sexy and appealing, she wore light caramel brown fishnets to finish it off.

I absolutely, hundred percent adore this dress. I can tell she got all her younger fans screaming with envy, who wouldn't want to be covered up in cuddly hello kitty stuff animals. I'm guessing she took all her favorite hello kitties and super-glued them together to get this one of a kind design. I wonder why she would paint her eyelids black. If I were her, I would paint my eyelids pink to match up with the spoil princes decor. Then again she could be going for the spoil mysterious gothic queen style, who knows it's all in gaga's head.

I find this one disgusting, it's like she shot a bunch of kermit the frogs and super-glued them together. If Miss Piggy finds out, she will definitely make a fur coat out of gaga.

I like this, it's very classy, sophisticated, and abstract at the same time. It looks to me like she was singing a flirtatious song. I think this out fit screams "I'm a classy woman, but I'm also easy."

This is a very nice luxurious dress, I hope she didn't have to kill any curtains to create a sultry outfit. The bowed shaped hairdo is definitely a cherry on top for completing this dreamy decor.