Love and Happiness

Happy Late Thanksgiving

I had a great thanksgiving break, hanged out with friends and family. My favorite part was talking about fat, aquatic animals swimming in the ocean (fat people having sex), puppies (man boobs), and poo (breaking toilets). These are the best conversations I've ever had in my life. I learn that true friends are the ones that would enjoy a good laugh about something as simple as poo. Throughout my life, the people I know usually talk about boring stuff like money, finance, houses, or how impressive they are. A lot of times I was told that future docs should concentrate on serious conversations, but I think that is the dumbiest bull shiet ever. Our childhood era is gone, we are at the age of stress, where we have to think about career, money, husbands, etc.. If we continue to drone about these stressful aspects in our conversations and social events, we be sucked dry of everything that is positive and enlightening. This is why people become depress and suicidal. I guess some will call me crazy and out of control, but I say it's all part of savoring the moment before it's too late.

Weird Animals

I never thought in a million years I be living with lesbian dogs and a dumb face rabbit, but what can I say, anything can happen. The weirdest part is, I never thought in a million years that I be living with the man of my dreams in New Orleans. I know that every Asian parents would constantly say this to their kids "first education, then get job, then get marry," this is fucken bull shiet. This is the reason why majority of working asian adults end up sad and single, or just settling with the wrong person. Love is the hardest thing to find, it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It's something that requires time and experience, which is why kids should start dating during high school. If students are well-informed about sexual diseases and the usage of condoms, then high school dating wouldn't be a problem. Thus, students will gain more experience about the opposite sex and what to look for in a soul mate. Sigh, too bad for majority of the asians, it's either die alone or fuck the wrong person and regret it later on in your life.

As for people out there looking for love, here is the mentality that you should have: "Love is looking for me, but I am making it hard for it to find me. So if I want love to find me, I must make myself as noticeable as possible." Your true lover is someone that is impress by your simple presence. He or she is someone that you can have hours of interesting conversations with. He or she is someone that you can't stop thinking about throughout your day. He or she is someone that makes you giggle for no specific reason. He or she has been looking for you, but you are for some reason hidden somewhere in your house watching tv. So the best way for this special person to find you is either go out more often and be online in chat forums. Who knows love could be a person in a cafe who spilled hot coffee on you, or a sweetheart in a medical forum, anything is possible with love:)

Hallucinations

I always value different people, animals, or hallucination in my life. I felt that there's always a reason why I meet some people coincidentally or why there was a 75 pound imaginary dog on my bed. I end up consulting my friends about these hallucination and have received some very informative advice. The advice was to concentrate on the symbolism of the dog/wolf and how it pertains to the individual. For some people they represent strength and freedom, escaping from whatever that ties the person down. However, I didn't feel tied down at the moment, I felt confused and wondering if I'm going through the right path. I felt that maybe the wolf and the dog represent wisdom and knowledge. Therefore I came to the conclusion that a future mentor will show up and help me through my path. In the mean time, I must stay focus, so if he or she does shows up, I be ready.

Today, I was searching for answers, and through my search, I was insulted and pushed away. But I kept coming back because I need the answers very badly. Through great attempts, I received an email from a potential mentor, who finally gave in a smile. Through this, I have a feeling all my questions will be answer, and my path will be revealed.

Fighting My Own Demons

I'm very prone to hallucinations especially during stressful times. That is why I leave my lamp on after turning off the light. If another person is there with me, then I wouldn't mind sleeping in complete darkness. If I go to sleep alone with the lights completely off, I would hallucinate weird demonic figures and as a result I wouldn't get any sleep. I really want to get help, but my parents are against psychiatric medicine. My dad always tell me, if you hallucinate just ignore it, and it will go away.

Recently, I been having these hallucinations that are driving me crazy. One morning I woke up with a 70 pound German shepherd on my bed. I could even feel the pressure on the bed and the presence of the dog. She was gentle, but frightening at the same time, and then she vanished. At first i thought it was post traumatic stress disorder, where I relieve the experience of my dog getting hit by a car, but I realize it was something more than that. I had dreams about dog like figures and wolves appearing. I had very strange hallucination from time to time of a wolf randomly appearing in my room. I feel like these hallucinations mean something very important. They are very majestic hallucination, and I know they meant something meaningful. Since I promise my parents that I wouldn't see a psychiatrist, I decided to battle my own demons.

I did something dangerous, I decided to stress myself out and isolate myself, so I can see the dog and the wolf, and to know why they been showing up recently.

I guess this is another journey to self-madness, but it's time I truly look these hallucination in the eye and really talk to them.

My Weird Food Cravings

I'm one of those girls who always have these weird food cravings that change practically every second. Unfortunately, I am very strict about what or how much I eat because I don't want to gain over 110 pounds, since that wouldn't match up well with my short ass 5"3 height. Then I came across three hot ass asian girls. They are the type of Asian girls with redish, brownish, or yellowish dyed color hair, exaggerated doll-like eyes with huge eyelashes, very powdered bright facial skins, hella skinny figures, and dressed with stylish color coordinate clothings. I saw how beautiful and cute they are and then I looked at my own reflection and saw my plain black hair and my jersey shirt with jeans. God I feel like a dude, but I can't help it, I was heading over to the Red Cross for patient training and they require us to dress real casually. Then again even if I tried I can never be as beautiful as any of those asian girls. So I realize how unhappy I was, and I figure this should be the day that I indulge in all the food I was craving for. Thus, I darted towards Dunkin donuts and order my heart out.

After my Red Cross training, I went back home with another food craving, but this time its Roast beef sandwich. I told myself that maybe I don't looks too bad and that I should stop indulging, but I stupidly had to watch Korean drama where I saw more hot asian girls with doll like eyes and beautiful hair. I felt more miserable and just changed into some sweat pants and made my way to the store to get my sandwich.

I saw pickles and received another craving and so I had the store owner wrap them up separately. I came home and just pig out like nothing before. afterwards, I feel so happy like everything was complete, until I look on facebook. I was clicking through pictures of gorgeous asian girls and all of a sudden another craving came up:

Yup that is right, I ran to JP licks to get me some banana splits :). I was only able to finish 25 percent of it, then I threw it in the freezer and hope that I have more cravings tomorrow. Just when I thought everything was smooth sailing, I saw a Chinese magazine on the floor with a picture of this hot asian model, and once again another craving jumped in:

sigh I grabbed my keys and was about to get out of my room to get some korean bbq, then I saw my AOL Instant Messenger icon blinking. I opened my IM and saw messages of "i love you" from my fiance. He is the man that loves me even when I fart, dress like a home boy, or not wearing any make up at all. Then I look up in the mirror and forgot all about my plain features, and for some reason I notice more about my D size boobs and small waist. Then my craving for korean bbq just disappear.

One of the most deadly secrets that girls or guys don't reveal is that we do compare ourselves to other people. However, that comparison becomes our enemy and we end up sabotaging ourselves. For example girls/guys who see other more attractive girls/guys will have the urge to starve themselves to become thinner or they will purge themselves with food to feel better. even how much we starve or purge, we are never satisfy because in the mirror only our negative features are reflected in our minds. If you ever come to a point in life where you are in this similar situation, immediately turn away from the mirror, and think about some important meaningful things in life that you have accomplish or receive that is worth living for. Then if you feel a smile on your face, that is when you should look at the mirror and you will find all your positive features highlighted.