Friday, October 26, 2012

Are Men Turning into Women

I was in the pediatric clinic last week and saw this cute little boy getting his check up. The doctor took his pants off to describe his body parts, "this is your testicle, it's what makes you a boy." As I stare at the ceiling wondering if that is what really makes him a boy, a guy, or a man? We grew up with knowledge that a boy has a penis and a girl has a vagina and boobs, but does that really define our gender? I thought the testosterone in a guy would make him dominant, emotionless, and in control, whereas a women's estrogen would render her helpless and emotional. Scientifically this would be correct, but reality have shat over years of delicate research.
So as a women I know that we want what we can't have, and we play hard to get, but why are men doing it these days. There is this guy that I don't pay much attention to, and because of that he was trying to get my attention. I thought he was nice and thoughtful, so I decided to be nice and pay some attention to him, I don't want to give him all of it because I do have a lover. Once I give that boy an ounce of attention, he started acting obnoxious, so I decided to ignore it and go on with my own business, after all I was just being nice. After ignoring him for a couple of days, he kept annoying me with messages and  phone calls to the point that  I just had enough of all this nonsense. I have a lover back home and I'm a busy women, but this man begins to talk to me like the same way a desperate women would talk to an unattainable man. I swear it was like talking to one my girlfriends trying to pour her feelings out. I was wondering if it was the island that makes people go crazy, so I decided to test this out with another man. There is this other guy, very tall and buff, pretty good looking. Same thing happened, except less annoying. He would only notice me if I don't give a crap, but if i give one ounce of crap, he would act like he don't care. To me this is just funny, childish crap that teenage girls play all the time. I wouldn't say I'm mad, but intrigue that society has label our gender based on organs where in fact everybody don't even play the part.

I decided to be a gentleWOMEN and break it down to the woMEN, that I am very busy and focus, and don't have time for such games. I realize by saying that, hormones were flying left to right, phone calls, messages, and all that crazy jazz that a usual woman would do to a man who just broke her heart, but I nevertheless remain calm and emotionless, and ignore everything. As I was changing out of my scrub, I looked in the mirror and realize something wasn't right. I may have thick eyeliners, well-defined eye brows, luscious wavy hair, and a victory secret bra underneath my scrubs, but I don't feel like a women. Can it be possible that I have turned into a man and not realize it?? 

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Holding on to a thread

Hey everybody, this past few weeks have been very stressful. I have exams and projects due from left to right. Medical school and Business school are totally killing me and sucking every energy out of my little body. It was so bad to the point that I was able to create weird ass scenarios about what would happen if I failed. For example, during the week of our microbiology lab exam, me and bunch of students were waiting for our turn to perform the procedure in front of the professor. My friends and I got one point taken away for asking the professor to clarify something on the exam. One point may not seem like a big deal, but when you are at the moment of the exam, it means the world to you. Some weird sequential ideas started forming in my head: "oh shiet, one point loss means more points loss, more points loss means failing microbiology lab, which leads to failing microbiology, and that means failing medical school. If I fail medical school I will end up living with my parents, and they will have every control over my life including who I will marry. Since my parents love retarded guys, they will set me up with someone retarded. Then me and this retarded person will have retarded kids name ching chong chang kong wong. Do you want a retarded kid name Ching Chong Chang Kong Wong??" After that nasty thought, my heart started racing in the speed of light, my hands trembling, my eyes were wide open, and it felt like a train was coming towards me and my foot was caught in the cracks of the rail road track. I then realize this was a classic symptom of a panic attack, I walked towards the corner to compose myself, I kept repeating back and forth that maybe a retarded kid wouldn't be so bad. As the professors called our names, my partner and I went to face our doom. Luckily, he was brave enough to start the procedure first while I keep my heart rate and whatever vital sign under control. I started looking for alternative scenarios, and the best one I came up with is: "If I fail I will just shit my pants in front of everyone so that no one, not even a fugly retard would want to marry me, and then I wouldn't have a retarded kid name Ching Chong Chang Kong Wong." After my partner was done with his procedure, I did my procedure and was happy to say we got a 90 percent :).

After the success of my micro lab I was feeling really good about myself, I think I might give birth to a smart kid name Lucas that will go to Harvard. I went home and check my "todo list," I have a behavioral science exam on Friday and Business Finance final on Saturday. I also have three or four essays for business school due in two days and it was Tuesday, and I can feel Lucas disappearing from my head, and that scary ass retarded kid entering my brain. I decided to study for behavioral science, but my mind wasn't on the subject, I was busy thinking about what sexual position will my parents make me do with the retarded guy they will set me up with since they will have every control over my life if I fail. Then I look up at facebook and saw an article my friend was reading. The article was about this beautiful eighteen year old Japanese girl in Singapore who committed suicide after she realize she failed her exams. I was curious and decided to look her up and found her blog. Apparently, she failed an important exam which prevented her from getting into one of those prestigious schools in Singapore. A lot of people were commenting saying stuff like "if you fail it isn't the end of the world, there are other things out there, you shouldn't have taken you life." I was utterly shock because my friends think that I go through the extreme for an exam (retarded kid and controlled sex life), but this Japanese girl takes it to another level. I find this very intriguing, so I kept reading about her. It looks like she has a normal, healthy social life with her friends, so it's obvious that after she failed her exams, her friends are there to support her. It's also obvious that her friends would say stuff like "oh it's just an exam don't let it run your life, there are better things out there." Therefore it is a waste of time for these weird blog reader to be commenting stuff that this girl has probably heard a billion trillion times. Her blog shows that she was a very intelligent well spoken girl with impeccable beauty, which is why I can't stop thinking about her. I look down on my notes and notice something that Dr. B said in lecture. My eyes were fixed to the word "Learned Helplessness," where in experimental trials rats were constantly given negative stimuli such as shocks and were not allow to avoid and escape the stimulus. As a result, the rats became depress and unresponsive, however if these rats were given antidepressant, they will continue to look for an escape. I look up at her picture and stare into her eyes, and felt her story streaming through my head. I felt her pain, her agony, and her anxiety, the thought that your constantly trying but no matter how hard you try you don't make it. It's really sad, makes me wonder what if this girl was given antidepressant, would that have helped her, would that have motivated her to keep on trying despite the odds? It also made me wonder if antidepressant does keep these rats motivated, would one of the rats be smart enough to devise an escape route. For example, that rat would be like, if the scientist comes back and opens the little door, let's jump and attack him so we can get out of here. Hmmm, I guess we should not take those little chemicals in our brain for granted, it is after all what keeps us motivated despite the constant torture that life puts on us.

I took my behavioral science exam and felt pretty lame, how can I not know when a girl has her first period, and yet I was very knowledgeable about when a guy experience his first ejaculation. I'm sure it wasn't embarrassing when I kept pestering my classmates for the answer on that question, sometimes I have to understand that once an exam is over, it's over you can't make anymore changes. For some strange reason I keep thinking I have these magical powers that can magically transform the answers on the scantron. After finding out a girl starts her period around 11, I felt bad for choosing 12, maybe because it's closer to when I have my period. My doctor did say I was a late bloomer, and this exam does no justice to my self-esteem. It didn't matter, what's done is done, since I have no telepathic powers to change the answers on my scantron, I decided to concentrate on my business final. I haven't been studying for that final like I was suppose to, and I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I only needed 30 percent on the exam to past the course. I told myself straight up not to procrastinate because my future depends on it. Here is how I study for the dreaded business exam: 1)went to the bathroom and took a one hours shit because I want have a clear bowel before studying this. finance is a hard subject you can't take that shiet for granted. 2) talk to friends on facebook for 3 hours. My girl is going through guy trouble, I can't leave her hanging that's wrong 3) took two hours to cook something and eat it, you can't study on an empty stomach 3) took another one hour shiet, remember clear bowel equals to clear mind 4) jump on the bed for one hour, I have to keep my heart beat up and the adrenaline going so I can be motivated and energize when I study 5) Brew the tea, I love to study with earl grey, it's the bomb 6) drink earl grey while watching some reality tv show for an hour. I gotta keep my brain active before studying, and tv does the trick.

After all that I decided to sit down and study, and the only thing I wrote was: D1/(sr-g), and I have no freaken clue what that means. I look at the time and was like, damn I think I should just go to bed, it's late and nothing is absorbing in my head. The next day I went to take my exam, and the whole time I was like "wtf, wtf, wtf," then I slowly calm myself down and started actually talking to myself: "Hilda you know this material, you worked hard on this, remember all the time you took during break rushing to finish your homework half hour before it was due. Remember those spread sheet projects that you were doing during microbiology lab while waiting for the professor to let you go. Don't forget those essays you wrote while you were on the toilet pushing Mr. Hankey out, you can do it!!!" Well my lazy ass manage to get a 46 percent on the final, and I think I past the course with an 82 percent. My parents call to ask how I did on my business final and this was our conversation:

dad: how did you do on your business finance
me: I got a 46 percent on the final and my overall grade is around an 82 percent
mom: wtf is wrong with you, I have a degree in finance and I expect you to do way better than that
me: Ching Chong Chang Kong Wong

After my stress full week, I decided to catch up on some charity work called Value MD. Value MD was a life saver for me. It's a forum dedicated for potential medical students who want to learn more information about offshore medical school. After failing the MCAT verbal a bunch of times, I remember all my friends and family told me to give up on being a doctor. They said stuff like "maybe it's not meant to be, not everyone can be doctors," I remember how hurtful those words were, but luckily this forum contains offshore medical students with a lot of information about these schools. These students are dedicated in helping other achieve their goals in becoming physicians. They provided me with a lot of vital information and advice about going to these school. Now that I am one of those students who securely made it to a medical school, I decided to dedicate my time in helping other pre-med students get into a medical school. I also offer my insight and advice on how to study and what to look out for. People always ask me why I waste my time on the forum, well I have my reasons and this is the main one. We all know that Einstein once failed math in third grade, and yet he manage to become one of the most influential people in the science world. Well what if we have one of those late bloomer idiot pre-med students who wasn't that smart in undergrad, but have the potential to discover the cure for cancer or HIV. Unfortunately, he decided not to pursue medical school  because his stupid friends and family told him he wouldn't make it. Now we lose out on someone who can create a cure for cancer, and my future son who might have cancer will lose out on the treatment, and I will blame you mother fuckers for that. I said to myself, hell no, we are not going to lose out on someone who can potentially discover a cure for cancer or even HIV. Let's say I provided encouragement to this undergraduate pre-medical student who did shietty in his mcat or fucked up his GPA because he was a fucken late bloomer. Through my encouragement and insight he or she will take on the offshore medical school and become a doctor. During medical school he will probably turn smart for some reason because the brain works in mysterious ways, and he might end up creating a cure for cancer. Years later my son or someone I love is diagnose with cancer, but thank god that kid went to medical school and discovered a cure. Then my kid or someone I love is cure from cancer, and I can live my happy life. Moral of the story is I will not let you mother fuckers mess up cancer treatment all because you have no fucken faith in others becoming a doctor.   

Sunday, April 29, 2012

A New Beginning

Hey everybody sorry for my absence in the blogging world. I checked my blogger stats and was surprise to see that everybody still check for my updates. I felt horrible for leaving everyone waiting with anticipation. I told myself to stop blogging during med school because of the course load, but I realize that I can’t stop blogging. It’s horrible to know that there’s so much going on in life, but no one to share it with. I realize how much I miss blogging and talking to all my readers that I decided to start updating again, and replying to everyone else. You guys probably wonder what happen to me or what I’m doing right now, so I’m going to give you guys an awsome summary:

Before jumping in the plane to an Island that I have no idea about, I remember eating lunch with my friends and family. Everyone has warned me about the consequences of living in an island. I receive one of the most outrageous warnings such as cannibals lurking in every corner waiting to devour tourists to acidic hurricane that can burn ashes through your skin. I didn’t take any of these warning seriously, after all they came from old Asian people trying to imitate the wise old man with the long white beard. Well I believe wisdom comes from experience not from age old philosophy or trying to act wise. I ignore all their warnings and hop onto the plane to my destination, Medical school in the island.

When I arrive to the island, I stupidly looked around to check if there were any actual cannibals, but thank god there weren't. The island was not what I expected, it looked nothing like the brochure, kinda reminded me of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Part of me was extremely frighten and kept repeating "go home, and listen to the wise man pretending to have the long white beard."  but the curious part of me screams “yay Jacky Chan Adventures.” Walking around the island was like walking in those shady allies of Bangkok. I had to pretend that I was a ninja or Jacky Chan searching for criminal masterminds behind those rusty doors in order to suppress my fears and anxiety. I was curious as to what I was getting myself into. A billion questions were spinning around my head like: what can I possibly learn in this place? Will I get kidnap and be sold as a sex slave? Are there such things as cannibals?

The wise man and my friends warn me  that knowledge and experience should be gain at known territories, like your own home. However, I was too compelled to explore beyond the little world I have in California. As time goes by, maybe two semester later, this underdeveloped island kind of grew on me. I was not afraid of the allies or the locals anymore, I walked down the streets alone and with confidence, maybe because of my trusty pepper spray. I lived in Boston before, where everyone walks around with a deadline and no one cares to stop to smile or lend a helping hand. The vagabonds were always hiding somewhere behind the busy Boston streets hoping to snag some poor ladies' purse. In the island, the locals are different, they were always eager to help and to brighten up your day. Everyone knows everyone so it's kind of difficult to get away with murder. I wasn't use to the welcoming atmosphere because of the mean streets from the east coast, but I eventually gave in to the island's charm.

As for the medical school, it became a blessing in disguise. I remember in the US, the teachers emphasize on    whether a students is born with the academic gift or not. They praise gifted students and tell regular or failing students to give up on their dreams. I guess that is why a lot of determined students from my old undergrad institute gave up on becoming a pharmacist or a dentist. It's all because of the nice little word from the school counselor that they should not waste their time. Fortunately, the teaching style in the island was completely different. We experience something called "tough love", where professors actually push you to work harder, and to keep your dreams alive. They grill you with questions that only a pH.D level candidate or an establish MD can answer. All you can do is try to logic it out and hope you get it right or close to right so you don't get humiliated in class. At first, the humiliation seems very unsettling, but at the end it helps you realize that a dream is worth fighting for. I notice that a lot of students here are eager to become physicians no matter the cause. Some have to strive harder due to academic difficulties, but they still didn't give up, and that right there deserve a million respect. Unlike the US institution where an F means failure in life, here in the island, an F means to "fight" harder for your dream.

Before I leave, I would like to share a memorable quote form my favorite book:
"Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine."
 ~The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas