Sunday, February 27, 2011

Its me or the dog

Practically every young couple desires to own something that they can call their child. Unfortunately, they don't have the money to bring a special little person into the world, so they decided to do something different. Why not adopt an adorable little puppy and raise him or her to adulthood, and label him as your own son or daughter. The idea sounds wondrous, it will provide the young couple a chance to experience parenthood, but it will eventually lead to disaster.

My fiance and I were the hopeful, young couple who owns a dog named Kimba that we hope can be like our daughter, but that crap sure backfired on us. Kimba was more of a handful than any kid in the world, owning her does not make me feel sorry for Kate plus 8. Kate should feel sorry for us because Kimba equals to 20 kids, and I don't mean the nice kids that ace etiquette class, I mean the one's from Juvenile detention halls. I can go down the list of how Kimba turned my life upside down, but I rather spare the readers. Out of everything she have done, There was one thing she did that made me question if she was dog or another woman in my fiance's life.

Because we wanted Kimba to be just like a person, we end up treating her like one. We let her sleep on the bed with us, snuggle with us, eat with us, and go everywhere we go. At first, I thought everything was harmless, but things have gotten way out of control. I never in my life seen a dog strut herself like a run way model before, usually the only strutting my parent's dog does is running clumsily towards the wall. Kimba ultimately became the other woman in the relationship, she would snatch my fiance's attention whenever she can. Not to mention his parents were so fixated on her that they don't realize that their son was engaged to me, their future daughter in law. This was very disturbing the fact that a non-human being with short stubby tail, four legged, and massive drooling problems can replace me, someone who graduated from a reputable university, now doing her post-graduate at a top Ivy league school, and will be entering medical school and business school at the same time. The whole time, I was shock that all my accomplishment could be thrown out the window just because of a dog that is worth no more than three hundred dollars came into our lives. I was too determined to turn this dog into the daughter of my dreams that I decided to stick with the humiliation. Luckily, I eventually lost all my determination, I realize that my pride is worth more than this dog.

One exhausting night, I was getting ready for bed, but decided to let Kimba out so she can do her business before jumping on the bed. I opened the door and commanded her to go outside, but instead she snapped me and ran towards the bed. I was extremely angry, but held it in, I don't want my fiance to get mad at me. To make matters worse, he snuggled up in bed with her, and spooned her from behind. At that point, I was boiling inside and confused at the same time. I decided to walk out of the room and consult different people about this vexing and complicated situation.
I receive some strange and outrageous advice from friends and family. There was one advice where I should be best girl friends with Kimba so my fiance will feel awkward, that way he will start thinking about me. At first, I was so tempted to take this advice, but then I realize that "Kimba is a fucken dog, she's not worth it." I decided to move on to the next advice which was from my dad. My dad's advice was too extreme for me, he told me to send a picture of Kimba to him so he can search for a dog that looks exactly like her. Then once he finds a dog that is the exact replica of her, we will do a switch and ultimately get rid of Kimba and take this new Kimba look alike into our lives. I was on board, then I chickened out because I don't want my fiance to find out in the future, that could lead to a potential break up. Then I decided to ask my fiance's friend, and because they were guys, they all agree that hitting her constantly should do the job. They even volunteer to hit her for no reason, out of pleasure that they can hit her. However, I'm against animal cruelty, it's not my nature to hurt anything, even if it's evil. At that point, I was just ready to give up, but I didn't because I received an excellent advice and inside scoop on a dog's mind from a friend.
I called one of my friends back in California who was in the process of looking for a dog to adopt. She totally shook me on the shoulder through the phone and made sure I understand that Kimba was nothing more than a dog and should be treated like a dog. Apparently dogs label themselves through the usage of a pack system. The main orders are the dominant Alpha, the middle beta, and the weaker ones Omega. In Kimba's eyes she sees herself as the Alpha female and my fiance is her mate. Basically She thinks that she is the bitch who runs the show, and anyone who tries to get in her way, she will fight them away. After understanding this concept from my friend, I decided to approach this in a way that Kimba will understand. First I gave my fiance an ultimatum, if he still wants to be engaged to me drastic changes will be made with Kimba and I get to decide everything. Luckily guys think with their penis, he knows that he can not put anything inside a dog, so I ultimately ran the show. I yell at her whenever she gets on the bed and threaten to hit her whenever she disobeyed me, but I occasionally showed her some love. Just to add salt to the injury, I leave her outside at night with the windows visible so that she can watch my fiance and I sleep together or make love. My fiance eventually realize the damage that she had done to our relationship that he started treating her harshly. After a month of semi-abusiveness towards her, she finally turned into an Omega dog, and for reward, we let her sleep in the house, but not on the bed with us. Sometimes I feel bad for the poor dog, but seriously it doesn't have to be this way.

Through my experience with Kimba I came to the realization that dogs can never be treated like human beings. It's not because they don't deserve it, it's the fact that they see things differently than we do. We see comradeship, friendship, potential sons and daughters, and companionship, but they see rank order, stability, and survival. We can't blame them, it's in their DNA to survive in this world, but there's one thing that I know for sure is that they will always have love for us despite everthing.

Dumb Pet Comic

Friday, February 11, 2011

why are twilight fans so crazy

During a New year Eves party celebration with friends and family, I was sadly force to sit at a table with a bunch of adolescent boys and girls. The whole time I kept hearing this girl whining about "omg do you think eric thinks I'm hot?" "omg when will eric call me?" "Omg what is eric doing?" "omg I think eric wants me." I had to say this eric person must be quite a man to have gotten this girl get all twisted. Then I hear this topic about who is the hotter character Edward or Jacob, and also how fucked up Bella is. At first I was shocked why hate on Bella, she is just a poor innocent girl stuck between two different guys who lust for her day and night.

I find their conversations so juvenile, but knowing me, I had to eve drop. The girls continue talking about how different guys in their class would talk to them or give them playful hugs. They interpret these simple meaningless gestures as guys chasing and fighting over them. They continue to drool over their little, pleasurable fantasy while dreading how fugly kristen Stewart is.

Twilight has been a major phenomenon for mostly teen girls or girls like me, and it all has to do with Bella and maybe some credit for Edward and Jacob. Notice how the director chose a plain looking girl, Kristen Stewart to play Bella. I think this is pure genius because if they chose a gorgeous confident actress, Twilight wouldn't even be looked at. Notice how low Bella's confident is and how she is so innocent, useless, and shaky, well again I give credit to the director's genius. In reality a girl like Bella will never get laid, she would be the one to take the title of the 40 year old virgin. However, in Twilight she received immediate relationship commitment from dark, mysterious Edward. She also got hot ass Jacob Black chasing after her, and the pleasure of rejecting him. The major high light is that she is the main person everyone is paying attention to and trying to protect like a precious diamond.

In reality, girls know that they aren't as hot as Jessica Alba, Eva Longoria, Angelina Joline, Kim Kardashian, or etc, but we all know that we are either hotter or comparable to Kristen Stewart, "Bella." We envy Bella and yet we hate her because she doesn't deserve two hot ass begging to be her husband and other hotasses going to war for her. What girls do after watching Twilight is fantasize Bella dead and them being the new Bella, and have two guys who look like Edward and Jacob go after them. In these fan's little world is, if a girl like Bella can get something like that, then there's hope for the rest of us. Seriously, don't you guys think the director is a genius for picking Kristen Stewart as the main leading lady.

You don't see guys drooling over Twilight. They couldn't care less about Edward or Jacob, they are only dragged into the theater because their girlfriends force them to go. Guy are different from girls, they don't fantasize about certain things that long. That is why action movies such as Fast and Furious, Fight Club, Ninja Assassin, etc only last for a couple of months. Once a guy finish watching these movies in the theater, they would talk about how cool the fights are, wrestle for a bit, then grab a beer and get wasted, and the next morning they forgot what they were doing last night. Movies like Titanic, practically blew up for years, and that is because girls like me spend every single day fantasizing about a Leo. I have to admit I watched that movies almost five times just so I can dream about it. Shakespeare Romeo and Juliet blew up through out the centuries and is still talked about because girls can't stop gushing about this type of rare committed love.

Overall, Twilight fan's aren't crazy, girls are :)