Sunday, July 11, 2010

Are we really in control of our own destiny?

I don't believe in psychics, but I did a reading once during the fall of my senior year in college. The psychic turned this card over which reveals a picture of a fox and she said "Dear Fox, you are starving and soon you will be plotting." Then she turned over another card, and which reveals a picture of swords placed in a circle with blood smeared at the end, and she said "Looks like someone will be killed." Then she turned over the last card which reveals a picture of three skeletons, and she said "three people will be sacrificed for your fate."I laughed at the psychic and I told her "despite all my misfortune, I will never kill. It is wrong and unethical." The psychic burst out laughing and said "I don't mean you killing someone, I mean the universe will create a fate for you which requires the death of three people to initiate it." I didn't want to disrespect the psychic, so I pretend to believe her. I was cracking up inside, and about to shiet my pants from all this nonsense. After thinking about it, the psychic wasn't lying at all, or maybe it was a coincidence?

Someone once told me that only when you lose everything is when you start getting something. Well I lost everything in high school, my german shepherd who helped me through the angst of growing up had to died in front of me, new people came in my life which took my parent's attention away from me, people treated me like shiet, and everything that went from right turn into wrong. High school teachers gave me a hard time and I was blame for practically everything. I was getting whipped at school and at home. Then I enter college with the notion that I can't lose anymore because I already hit rock bottom, but I was wrong, one can actually hit lower than rock bottom. I was hitting senior year of college without any idea of what I was suppose to do. I kept getting comments like "you are so immature," "what are you," "be realistic here and just follow what everyone is doing." I was constantly in someone's shadows and being picked on. Not only that, I escaped death almost a billion times. Strange incidence always happened to me, its as if something is out there to get me. My last phone number had almost all 4s in them, which in chinese signifies death.

My dad thinks that I'm che (chinese word means cursed) he decided to test out my luck. He dealt some playing cards, twenty for me and twenty for him, whoever has the highest card wins. I lost all twenty times. Then he dealt the cards again and said, the lowest card wins, and I lost again. He said to me "never aim for your goals, for you will never reach them, you are too che."After he said those words, I think it was my dad that got "che."

During my senior year something weird happened. I was studying for finals with my friend in the library and I received a phone call. My dad sounded very scared and said his friend died of a tragic car accident. I was very sad the whole time that I could hardly study. Then in the middle of the summer after my senior year, two more of his friends. I attended their funeral and felt bad that all three of my dad's friends died.

I don't know what happened along the lines, but after the funerals for my dad's friends, It really made me think. I started to reminiscence about this Chinese movie I saw when I was young, called "Healing Hands," because of that movie I was inspire to be a doctor. This desire was suppressed because of everybody's disapproval including my family. I don't exactly know what happen, but after the reminiscence, I felt angry, hurt, and worry. I felt that life is so unexpected and cruel, and that I don't want to die being remembered as "che" or useless piece of shiet. It's these feelings that gave me the strength to act on what I desire the most, to become a doctor. Because of that I was able to gain the courage to tell everyone to fuck off, and do things my way.

I totally don't know what I was doing, I just went with the flow, and for some reason things worked out strangely. It was like all planned out unexpectedly, like each step was very calculating and meant to be. I felt like a curse have been lifted from me, and that the universe was creating a path for my life. Through fate I met the man of my dreams, through fate I found my purpose in life, and through fate I accomplish one of my goals. I feel thankful for fate, for friends and mentors, for love, and for the universe around me in helping to make my life better. I can never be thankful enough and I hope in the future that I can repay the universe/fate and make everyone proud by saving as many lives as I can. :)

As for daddy's bitterness, I don't blame him. He is right, I don't deserve this and there is not one time that I don't feel guilty :(. This summer he and I got into a heated argument. He tried to sabotage my chance of medical school. As a result something bad and personal almost happened to him. Then when he grudgingly accepts, he is well again, which I find pretty scary.

Sigh it really makes me wonder if we are really in control of our own destiny or if our lives are so predetermined to the point where if anything tries to interfere with it, will get destroyed??


Shiro said...

As a friend of mine says...

We are fated to make choices, but whatever choice we make has already been fated. It's a strange concept but everything we already do is predetermined under the illusion of choice (or perhaps we already have choices, but what choices we picked have already been laid out). It could just be fate's way of trying to steer you into the right direction. So I'm glad that things have been going so well for you :)

I'm struggling with the concept of fate right now, myself. It seems like the moment I try to do anything, I get immediately (as in, next day) kicked down by life, and it happened so many times to say it's coincidental. I just don't understand why it's happening to me but I guess it's just something I need to have a closer look on.

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